We All Fall Down

Over the past year, I cut people from my life. Due to intense moral and political disagreement, I was also cut from the lives of others. Many who stuck around no longer speak to me. My former self—the people-pleasing, do-anything-for-applause self—would have been crushed.

I know now, though, that people-pleasing is a trauma response brought about through my years of being on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. It’s that old belief that if I want love, I must earn it, and that I earn it by becoming the person you want me to be.

Dance for the crowd. Twirl and twirl until you are happy. Yes sir, yes ma’am, I’ll be “good”—I won’t cry, won’t feel, won’t cause a scene, won’t have any opinion other than your own. Ashes, ashes, Tammie falls down.

My current self understands that I must do my healing even when presented with my triggers, that love that has to be earned is not love, that I am worthy just as I am, and that I have feelings and opinions of my own and am allowed to speak those.

I know now that you don’t need to like me and that it’s okay. I’m okay.

This past year has not been healthy for me. Has it been healthy for anyone? Working through one’s traumas in the face of a triggering environment is never easy. In my case, those triggers are put-downs, yelling, name-calling, belittling, bullying, dismissing of my beliefs and values as ridiculous, denying of my emotions, and a general command to “sit down and shut up.” I’ll be good. I’ll be good. I had to step back, to step way back.

I am not about fighting and confrontation (that might also be a trauma response, but I’d need more therapy to know). What I am about is leading initiatives that promote peace and love, rallying the troops for the good of humankind. I’m great at that.

This past year has distracted me. Darn you, social media. Darn you, global pandemic. Darn you, biggest Civil Rights movement in our country’s history. But it’s only through navigating those triggers while suiting up into our most-healed selves that we truly grow.

Consider this my re-set.

I’m feeling the need to go into the streets. It’s time for Tammie to remember why she is here. And why she is here is not to shout in someone's face about their beliefs. Why she is here is to spread love by doing acts of good and encouraging others to do acts of good. Why she is here is to travel about her life with the understanding that there is no separation between any of us, that we are all one, and that what we do for ourselves, we do for others. And what we do for others, we do for ourselves.

And you can believe that or not believe it, and that’s okay.